what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
