Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
