Fine. I'll sleep in my office
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
