I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
