She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
