I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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