I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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