I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
two words...techno handjob
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
