My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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