i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
