i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
