new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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