I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
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I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
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Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels