you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
