I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
