Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
