When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
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I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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