I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
