Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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