i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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