you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
