He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
