Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
