yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
