Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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