dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
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I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
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There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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