garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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