you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
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heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
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I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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