This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
