Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
