Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
