His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
