everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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