I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
i've created a new STD.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
