It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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