i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
