my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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