I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
