me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
