i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Randomize
