I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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