There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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