i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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