mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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