The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
