There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
