apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
