there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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