Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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