Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
