I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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