I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
