I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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