Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
