Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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