you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
