Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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