There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
