i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
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