We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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