Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
